I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
