There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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