I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
