halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
