The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
