I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
