I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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