I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
