Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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