she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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