So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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