The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
