Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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