I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
