i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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