That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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