How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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