I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
