the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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