seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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