Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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