totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
