I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
