I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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