I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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