also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize