There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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