Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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