tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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