I wish they made helmets for livers.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
