I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
