This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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