Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
