the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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