do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
