We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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