After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
