Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I use my feet as sexual weapons
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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