you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
