In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize