I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
