pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
