So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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