hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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