You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
