When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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