It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
