Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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