This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize