Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
