STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
