i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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