Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
