no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
