i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Princesses don't give blow jobs
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
