so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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